Vengeance rises: +30% damage until your next kill. Come back angrier.

The medic slaps Gluteus Maximus awake. Good news: the Angry A Bear is still exactly as stabbed as you left it.

The Emperor leans forward. Try to bleed impressively.

That was technically a war crime in 3 provinces.

Weapon Arm Lv.9

“A Pool Noodle”

⚔ Damage: 15

Shield Arm Lv.17

“Plank (Splintery)”

🛡 Block chance: 25%

Legs Lv.9

“Two Left Feet”

👟 Attacks/sec: 0.82

Head Protection-ish Lv.18

“Leather Cap”

❤ Max HP: 461

Abs Situation Lv.25

“Four Abs”

💚 Regen: 15.0 HP/s

Showmanship Lungs Lv.12

“Audible”

🎭 Hype/hit: 4.40

Dramatic Taunt Lv.1/10

Every 8s, strike a pose so unnecessary the crowd gains 11 hype. Currently practicing in a mirror.

Spin To Win Lv.0/10

10% chance per attack to spin wildly for 3× damage. Dizziness is a small price.

Pocket Sand Lv.0/10

10% chance the enemy completely whiffs their next attack. Sh-shaa!

Just Bite Him Lv.0/10

10% chance per attack to bite, healing 30% of damage dealt. Technically legal.

Confetti Cannon Lv.2/10

Every kill fires confetti: +20 crowd hype. Tasteful. Dignified. Covered in giblets.

Ludicrous Plume

A helmet plume visible from space. +10% crowd hype.

Handlebar Mustache

Waxed daily by a dedicated intern. +10% crowd hype.

Golden Thong

OSHA has questions. The crowd has answers. +15% crowd hype.

Cape Of Maximum Drama

Flaps dramatically even indoors. +20% crowd hype.

Googlier Eyes

Your eyes are now 40% more googly. Deeply unsettling. +25% hype.

Extremely Oiled

Slipperier than your moral standards. +15% crowd hype.

⚱️ The Altar of Glory

Current fighter: Gluteus Maximus — Generation I

Sacrifice your fighter to the crowd (they love this) and earn 🏆 Laurels. Spend them below on exclusive bloodline upgrades that every future fighter inherits, forever.

Sacrificing resets gold, limbs and abilities. Drip and bloodline upgrades are eternal.

Reach wave 25 to sacrifice. (Currently wave 23. The altar can wait. The altar is patient.)

— BLOODLINE UPGRADES (Laurels only) —

Bloodline Rage Rank 0/25

+30% damage per rank. (Now: +0%.) Your descendants are born angry.

Marble Skin Rank 0/25

+30% max HP per rank. (Now: +0%.) Sculpted, literally.

Sponsorship Deal Rank 0/25

+25% gold per rank. (Now: +0%.) You are legally a brand now.

Eternal Fame Rank 0/10

+15% hype gain and hype decays 15% slower per rank. (Now: 0%.) They chant your bloodline's name.

Night Shift Rank 0/10

Earn gold while training at night. (Rank 0.) The dummy pays protection money.

Ghost Coach Rank 0/10

New fighters start with 0 levels in every limb. Grandpa's ghost yells technique tips.

Plot Armor Rank 0/5

Survive 0 lethal blows per day at 1 HP. The audience demands a comeback story.